Confessions
by Terra Fire
Summary: Athrun writes about his unrequited love for Kira.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam Seed or the characters. I do, however, own this story. 

**Author's Note:**

Hello everyone, this is now my second GS fic. This was an original story that I wrote a while ago. After some tweaking, I thought that it would fit perfectly into Athrun's point of view. This story is about Athrun's unrequited love for Kira. I was originally inspired to write this from Brandy's song 'Have You Ever.' I suggest you listen to it, it's a perfect song for unrequited love. Anyway, with that said, on with the fic.

xXx

_**Confessions**_

I sit here writing and watching Dearka and Yzak, so happy in their bliss of love. I wonder if I'm to suffer a fate of unrequited love. Am I to live an eternity without you? I'm to watch the others in their ignorance of what they have, and what they take for granted?

They lay there together, sleeping so happily. Dreams of each other, of the life they could share. Happy and uncaring of the closed-minded fools around them. It sickens me. Envious? Of course I'm envious. They love each other so much, yet they don't seem to know what they have. They seem so ignorant of their happiness.

Perhaps it's my fate to live without someone to love, and be loved in return. Perhaps it's my punishment for all the sins I've caused. Perhaps I'm to live alone and die alone, in a world of my unrequited love.

I watched you, no, I stared at you, wondering if you really know how I feel. I wonder, do you notice me watching you, or do you simply ignore it? Bitter? Yes, that's what am. Bitter and envious. Bitter at my self and envious of the fools around me.

I started writing this crying, now I'm simply angry. Not angry with them or even you, I'm angry at my self, because I'm a cowered. A cowered for not telling you what's truly in my heart. A cowered for wanting to end my own pathetic life. If I'm to live my life without you, then I'll live in self misery.

I have secluded myself form the world, not to care for others. But how can I do that, if I watch others in their own ignorant love, the love which they take for granted. There I go again, repeating my self and angry at them for my own selfish bitterness. Though I guess it can't be helped.

I even found someone else to care about. Someone in the form of your long lost sister. Ironic, isn't it? Someone else I could find happiness in, and for a short time, I did. I found the happiness I yearned for. I was delusional. Thinking I could find the love in Cagalli which I wanted for you. Perhaps I just thought I loved her to replace the love I feel for you. I found brief happiness, not love. I still wont admit, not even to my self, that I love her. Maybe because I wanted your love in her or maybe I do love her and don't want to admit I love her as well as I love you. Confusing? I think so.

For a time she showed me happiness in which I could find no where else, not even in you. Perhaps I wont admit my love for her because it confuses me. It confuses me so much, I'm afraid. I pride myself in my own control. That's why I wont care for others. But then why will openly admit, to myself, that I love you and utterly refuse to admit I love her?

I think I've lost track of my musings. Why am I writing this again? Oh, that's right, to pore my undying sole to you. But, for what reason? It's not like you're ever going to read this? What's the point? I think I'm just writing this for my own benefit. Like I said, I always want to be in control. I never tell others how I feel. Never do I give them a reason to think me as depressed. They always see me as the cold and uncaring one. That's why they tell me their problems. I don't want to here it. I have my own problems, but do they know that? Of course not, and why is that? It's because I'm a damned fool. My pride won't allow me tell anybody anything. If it did, I wouldn't be writing this, now would I? I wouldn't be putting these feelings on paper, where no one but myself will read.

I'm straying off topic again. I'm supposed to be writing this about my unrequited love for you. I think I've long excepted the fact that you don't love me the way I love you. If there's anything in the world I want you to know, I would be letting you know that I would do anything for you, if you just asked. I would suffer my entire life without your love if it meant you could just be near me.

There they go again. They move in their sleep. Even unconsciously they want to be near each other. Not a care in the world. Yes, I am truly envious of what they have. I wish with all my being, that I could have even an once of what they have. Could I hate them for it? No, I can never bring myself to hate them because of what they have. I can only hate my self. I think the only person in this would I hate the most would be myself. I hate my self for everything I could have done to make myself happier. But I don't think I deserve anything for all I've done to myself. I've mutilated and abused myself. I felt it was retribution. For what, you ask? I still have yet to come with and answer for that, my love.

Is it all right if I call you love? It's not like you're ever going to read this. But I wonder, what would you do if you did? Would you regret it? Would you be angry at me for being such a cowered? Even if you do read this, it's not as if your're going to know it's you I'm talking about.

I'm going to live my life in unrequited love and watch the others around me. I'll laugh when it's expected of me. I'll give advice even though I don't listen to it myself. I'll just live my life without you, and without you knowing how I feel because I'm a cowered, a cowered who doesn't deserve anything, let alone your love and happiness.


End file.
